Truth's Prank
by iAnneart01
Summary: Title pretty much self explanatory. Crack. Like major crack. Read...if you dare. No pairings or OCs!
1. Chapter 1

I should really stop writing so many stories when I still have to finish my other ones...

This story is in First Person POV and it's my first shot at it. Hopefully, it's not too bad!

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Ugh. What the hell? I have a killer headache.

I open my eyes slowly, because it seems even the light makes the pain worsen. I realize at that moment I am lying down, on a floor presumably (no shit).

Whoa...why don't I remember anything on how I got like this? That's never happened to me in all my life, and from what I know, it's not supposed to. Well now that I think about it, I'm not supposed to get headaches either. I'm a superior being! I don't get _ill_ or some other stupid human-like ailment because I'm not weak like they are. Sure, I feel pain when someone's directly attacking me, but that's it. Everything is really damn screwy and I have no idea on how to explain. Did I pass out?

No, that can't be right! Homunculi are not _supposed _to faint!

Alright, Envy, think hard. What is the last thing you remember? I blink once, twice, as my vision was blurry (oddly enough).

I was running...no, not running, I was dodging a sword and ended wrapping my arm-turned-snake around the Xingnese idiot's neck. That's right, the two Elric brother had kidnapped Gluttony and I was sent by Father to go retrieve him. As always, I'm sent to do the damn dirty work. _*Sigh*_ Okay, focus. After threatening him, I changed my other arm to a blade and the damn bastard kicked dirt in my eyes (the next time I see him, I'll personally wring his little neck). Then, he cut off my arm WHICH HURT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH I SHOULD ADD!

I fell, we fought some more, yadda yadda, he CUT OFF MY LEG and I'm on the floor screaming in pain like any normal homunculus (and human) would. I see him hovering above me and I'm about to switch to the dark-haired xingnese girl and then...

Nothing. Nada. Zip. I'm here in this place. I am now conscious enough to see my surroundings well and deduce that I am in a large mansion. Have I ever been here before? It doesn't seem familiar, and we homunculi do pride ourselves on having impeccable memory...well for starters. I think it's time for me to get up now. I position my arms under me, pushing up from the floor in a crouching position, and slowly straighten my knees so I'm standing up fully. _  
_

Now that I am fully aware, a whole lot of conflicting thoughts are running through my mind. Did the pipsqueak find out a way to knock out homunculi by using alchemy? Or did I just use up too much of my philosopher's stone in a short time? I hardly doubt it's the second one since I've used up A LOT more souls in a shorter time and this never happened. Maybe the Xingnese prince had some foreign substance or techniques that affects us and I didn't even notice I was being contaminated. He does have this weird form of alchemy, called alkahestry, and probably did something when he kicked the dirt in my eyes! HOLY SHIT, HE POISONED THE DIRT! Wait, can dirt be poisoned?

FUCK! I _reaally _don't like this! My eyes are quickly darting from object to object in the immense living room. Hopefully, one of them will give a clue and I'll find out where the HELL I am. This guessing game is getting real old. If the dumb prince _did _do something, then shouldn't he be here, smirking his hateful grin?

"EnvyEnvy_Eeeeeeenvy_!"

A shrill childish voice suddenly assaults my eardrums and I swivel to the origin of the annoying noise, which was the opposite direction of where I was currently walking to. I don't even get the chance to fully turn around when two fleshy discolored arms wrap themselves around my waist. What...the...HELL? Immediately, I flinch almost violently at the foreign contact and raise my arms up, wrenching my body away. But these two arms seem locked together, intent on not letting go and I get the intense urge to kill whoever is hugging me.

Who the _fuck_?I look around me and see nothing in sight... "Envy!" I hear the same boyish voice call my name. Then it occurs to me to look down.

There is a boy, around 9 or 10, staring right at me, and I immediately notice his strange looks. He has wild long black hair, purple eyes, and it looks to be a mismatched arm and leg. Barefoot, like me. Actually, his outfit kind of resembles mine. Black shorts, a midriff-showing dark t-shirt, and he has the creepiest smile I've ever seen. His teeth are even pointed! What a weirdo. I realize that he still is attached to me like some parasite and I immediately shove him away. I should have killed the little brat but the urge to spill blood was already long gone.

"You're finally home! Master's pretty mad, but it's okay 'cus momma said she'll forgive you!" The boy speaks again, his smile widening and his eyes shining like if I was his long-lost brother or something.

What the** fuck**.

I practically burn a hole through his head with my eyes, trying to intimidate him but it doesn't seem to be working. He seems happy and hyper as a normal child would, like if I just told him I was going to give him a puppy.

He's obviously retarded.

"Who the hell are you?" I finally speak to the little cockroach. His smile is wiped from his face the minute the words are out of my mouth. Then his eyes grow furious. "Don't do that! I hate it when you start playing your games with me, Envy! They're always so mean! "

This entire situation is so ridiculous that I end up cackling at his little angry expression. His eyes grow wide as if he _finally _realizes who he's messing with. I suddenly stop with my evil laugh in order to scare him (it always works with humans) and narrow my eyes like I'm visualizing his murder with delight. Which, by the way, I kind of am.

"I'll say this again, and this time you'll answer me. Who the FUCK are you, and how the HELL do you know my name?"

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..

I'm on the ground.

When did I end up on the ground?

I open my eyes and I almost choke on my own spit at the sight. This...stranger has a sword over his head, aiming straight for my chest with this determined look in his squinty eyes. It's dark, I'm in pain, and this guy I never met before is trying to kill me. I already feel my mood turning sour. I immediately roll to the side, narrowly avoiding the blade. Who the hell is attacking me? In an instant, I do a back flip and stand on my feet, getting a good look at the guy.

He was...strange to say the least. Weird outfit, that's for sure, black hair tied up in a low ponytail, and his features looked foreign. He definitely wasn't from here. "Don't run from me,homunculus!" He yells at me, brandishing his sword like an almighty fool and I can't help but smirk. If he's out looking for me, then dammit , he will find me. The _last _thing I'll be doing right now is running.

"Today you die foreigner. " I answer, grinning at him cockily. He growls and charges at me with the sword aiming at my side. Stupid mistake. Before he even gets close to me, I already have him beat. I do an areal, moving my knee to my chest, readying my leg. With a swift powerful round house kick, I send him flying about 10 feet, hands clutching at his abdomen in pain. He seemed shocked by my movement and I grin at the unease his pursed lips show.

Then his normally squinty eyes turn wide. "Your chi...it has shifted. What have you done, homunculus? How did you get rid of the hundreds of screaming souls in your body?"

What the hell is this asshole talking about? I'll beat the stupid out of him. Before he can speak again, I'm moving again to him so fast he can't even react and knee him in the gut. By instinct, he lashed out with a mildly accurate (and pretty impressive I might add) punch but I easily dodge his pathetic attack before round housing him again directly in the face. Ha! The face of pure shock and confusion is absolutely invigorating to me! It's like he doesn't even know what to do anymore. And here I am thinking, I will actually get a challenge today.I move in on him again, arm turned blade this time, aiming for the kill and he senses that his life might actually be in danger so he begins to make a run for it. The hypocrite! I grin madly at him, taking the challenge of the chase.

"Don't run from me, human!" I state mockingly, blade shining occasionally in the moonlight.

"ENVY!" I hear a familiar voice and suddenly I'm tackled by this huge armor. Fucking Alphonse...which means that BASTARD'S kid is here too. I grin so wide it almost hurts. Well, this just turns out to be better and better! I think I will end up killing THREE idiots today! I punch right at Alphonse's helmet, which of course sends it flying a good 20 feet from here and startles the dumb younger brother. He brings an iron arm around my body, which hinders my movements quite a bit so I struggle for a minute or two.

"What's going on Ling?! I thought you could handle him!" I hear Edward's voice yelling. Then I hear the foreigner speak.

"I was handling him just fine! But...something _happened _to him!"

"What the_ hell_ do you mean something happened to him!?" Ed asked as frustrated as ever. As this point in time, I break away from Alphonse's grip by actually RIPPING out the fucker's arm from it's metal socket (how I wish it was a flesh-and-blood body!) and start looking for the older Elric.

"His chi isn't the same, and his fighting techniques all of the sudden turned very different-ED WATCH OUT!"

STUPID _FUCKING_ FOREIGNER! Edward dodged just in time, and I was just about to stab him! Oh, but he will die...

"What-the.."Edward looked at me with wild lost orbs, like if he barely met me, dodging each attack I made on him. I gotta give him credit though, so far he's dodged all of them. What seems strange as of right now is that he hasn't tried to attack back. By this time, he should already be doing something, not just defending himself. After all , he is a reckless idiot. A reckless stupid bastard idiot who deserves to die... just like his father. Now I'm angrier than ever, and this little pipsqueaks going to know what real pain feels like! I can hear an annoying voice in the back of my head, Dante's voice telling me to not do it, I was going to mess with her _perfect plans _but as of right now, I don't give a fuck.

This time, I manage to cut him on his arm, and he hisses in pain like the pussy he really is and looks at me again with his feral golden eyes. I growl. Stupid Edward, looking so much like Hoheinheim.

How dare he have him when I COULDN'T?!

"Envy, what are you _doing_?! I'm a sacrifice!" Edward choked out, as he gripped his bleeding arm in shock, like if he couldn't believe what I did to him. Sacrifice...yeah I'll personally sacrifice him in front of his father if that's what he means. Heh! He thought THAT was bad?! I hear Alphonse approaching behind me and before he can do anything to defend his precious brother, I do a high back flip so I end up behind _him _and punch straight into his armor, leaving a gaping hole right in the middle. He gasps as he felt how fucking close that was to his blood seal and I hear Edward scream out for his brother. I start laughing hysterically, maniacally even for my standard.

"HAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was wrong after all!" The three boys all look at me, eyes full of fear, confusion, and most predominantly shock. Both of my arms have turned into extra-sharp blades and I grin toothily.

"Tonight, you are ALL going to die."

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Do you want me to continue?! WELL? Do ya? DO YA? Well, if you do... REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

If you believe I should be doing some homework instead of writings about this right now, you're right. (._.)

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The boy was silent for a long time. Like for an extremely, ridiculously long time. There is one thing that I do not have much of, and it's patience. I growl quietly, tapping my foot over and over as I look over to the wild-haired kid. He seems to be analyzing me, I can see his eerily familiar eyes glance up and down at me. As I am about to open my mouth to yell at the little infuriating twerp, he makes a small _'huh' _sound, as if confused with my appearance. If he knows what's good for him, he'll answer my questions like RIGHT N-

"You look different." He states simply, purple orbs filled with wonder. I narrow my eyes. He only grinned, obviously having the time in his life in pissing me off. That grin also seems real familiar, now that I think about it. I growl loudly, and as I am about to raise my arm to turn it into a knife, another unfamiliar voice calls out my name.

"Envy, stop bullying Wrath around." A soft motherly-toned feminine voice halts my ministrations and I turned to see who the hell had the balls to talk to me like that. I knew it wasn't any of my 'siblings', I could recognize their voice in a heartbeat (or errr...stone beat). Whoever this woman was, she was about to get her ass handed to her! As I meet bluish-purple doe shaped eyes, I realize I don't know who this person is either. She had a long dark dress, almost pooling on the floor, with straight brown hair and an innocent face. Yep, I definitely do NOT know who she is. So how does she know me? Wait a damn minute. My mind backtracks to what she said immediately. Did she...did she just say _Wrath_?

"Wrath?" I finally manage to ask. It seemed like she was talking about the small boy, but how could his name be Wrath? What sane human names their offspring like that? I look down at him, seeing his wide purple eyes still staring intently me. Then it seems he snapped out of it, as he noticed the woman walking towards us.

"Mama!" He shouted happily, extending his childish arms as he ran towards her. "Mama, mama!"He wrapped his arms around the woman's hips, burying his face in her dress. As of right now, I am a bit shocked. So, _this _is the mother who name her kid Wrath? She smiled sweetly at the kid and petted his hair like a real mother would. It was quite frankly, disgusting. Her head whips up, eyes directly in contact with mine. I can tell she's about to say something, but I need to know what the _hell _is going on first!

"Okay, who the hell are you people? How do you know me? Why am I HERE?!" I start to yell, raising up my arms in exasperation.

Seriously, I feel like I'm about to blow a gasket. Nobody's telling me anything here! And how is it that _they_ know me, and I _don't_? The boy raises his face from the woman's dress, and for the first time he looks a little frightened. "Mama, mama, tell Envy to stop playing around. He's making me scared.." He whimpered, tugging at her dress and to my rage and surprise, she looks at me with narrowed eyes like if she's mentally _scolding _me. I glare shamelessly at her, and start walking (more like stomping) to her. I hear the little brat squeak in fear as I am soon close enough to touch him.

"MOVE BRAT." I shove him away, and she looks at me like if I murdered him or something. I point my finger directly to her face, almost touching her nose. Finally, her little angry expression is gone and I can tell she's feeling a bit intimidated. "Who...are...you?" I grit out. I'm guessing she realizes that I'm not 'playing around' since she immediately responds meekly.

"Sloth."

_What? _

"And this is Wrath." Her eyes look over to the dark-haired boy. She made eye contact with the brat and he smiled at her affectionately. She gave a half-smile back and looked at me. My fists right now are literally shaking.

"Tell me. _Sloth. _Do you think I'm fucking stupid?" The woman looked surprised at my response and her bottom lip trembled in fear. I can see from the corner of my eyes that the brat looks like if he's about to shit his pants. "No-"

"Is this some type of sick joke?" I snarled at her, and she stepped back once, her eyes widening. "If you tell me the truth, I'll contemplate you killing you quickly instead of slowly and painfully." I even put in the good measure of my psychotic grin. Then, something happened that I wasn't expecting. The woman narrowed her eyes once more and she scoffed at me. She actually SCOFFED at me!

"Envy, you really need to know when to stop your games. There is always a time and a place." She stated boringly, eyes rolling like if I was _inferior _to her. That's it, she's dead. I'm going to kill her, no doubt about it. In an instant, my arm is no more, and I have a razor-sharp sword instead. I look down to where the boy is, still attached to her like the damn parasite he is and smile evilly at him. He gasps once and I bury the sword deep inside the woman's abdomen.

I hear her gasp and I feel liquid trickle down my arm. I search for her eyes, expecting them to be wide with fear and pain. Instead I see bored grayish orbs, and she sighs. What the hell? _SPLASH! _A burst of water suddenly hits me square in the face and I stumble back. Who the-? The water, much to my EXTREME shock, suddenly starts to form into a shape, a feminine shape. I change the sword back to my original arm, looking at the newly regenerated woman.

She just formed from WATER!

"You done playing?" She states boringly. "W-who ARE you?!"

"I already told you. Now I came here to send you a message from Master. She says she is not pleased with you at the moment because you've been gone for more than a week and she wants to speak with you very seriously when she returns today."

...WHAT.

It seems like this is the only word my mind can formulate right now. "C'mon, sweetheart. Let's go." I hear her tell the brat, and I am left alone in the big mansion. Which means that I can think about the current situation I'm in extremely well.

She said her name her name was Sloth. And the boy's name was Wrath. By the looks of it, she didn't look like she was lying. And she DEFINITELY was not human. Human don't dissolve into water! Then, she mentioned a 'Master'. A _female _Master.

Time to assume the worst.

This 'Master' defeated Father and absorbed the philospher's stone of each homunculi and created new ones using a human vessel. But...I look exactly the same! Shouldn't I have a new human appearance? Well, the cockroach did say I looked different. I look at my hands, outfit, and a couple of locks of my hair. Nope, I haven't changed. Maybe I was the only one who wasn't absorbed. But this doesn't explain why I woke up in a mansion, passed out on the floor. If I wasn't absorbed, then I would remember the fact that this woman beat Father and absorbed off the rest of my siblings right?

Or maybe...

Father has created another set of homunculi (by the same names) just in case we fail, and made another woman in charge of them. Or! Father wiped out all of us, and recreated us, some with the same looks (such as me) and some VASTLY different (Sloth, Wrath). UGH! THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSEEEEEEE! I don't even know what to think anymore!

"Envy."

Another unfamiliar, feminine voice. You know, this game is really getting old. Why does everyone seem to know my name and I have NO fucking idea who they are?

I turn and see another dark haired woman standing at the top of these grandiose stairs with a unnervingly haughty and mighty look on her face. Her dress looks ridiculously poofy, like if it was a thirteenth century fashion statement, and she has a mildly impressive black jewel necklace that shines like if it was blood diamond. She has short straight hair, with big purple eyes and she's looking straight at me with her arms crossed. She looks pissed.

I scoff, crossing my arms and staring back straight at her. "Who the hell are you?"

She gives out this small frustrated sigh and put a hand on her forehead as if I was stupid or something."Envy, I will not condone this behavior anymore. I told you to go after the Elric brothers and you blatantly disobeyed me." Was this bitch being _serious_? I laugh raucously, even throwing my head back at her ridiculous statement.

"And since when do I take orders from YOU? I don't even KNOW you!" She steps down the stairs, slowly and leisurely. As soon as she's close enough for her to actually see me well, her haughty expression shifts. She seems to be examining me for a while and then she speaks.

"You look different. Anyhow, that's not important. You need to take the soonest train for Central and go after the boys. I want you to bring them to me, here in the mansion. Remember, you didn't get a chance to kill your Father. Now you'll get your revenge by ripping out the brother's only chance of getting their bodies back."

"Why in the world would I want to kill _Father_? Wait..you know Him?"

"Envy you are doing this to annoy me aren't you? That's not being a very good son."

"Answer my question you-! WAIT A MINUTE. _Son?!_"

"Yes you know this well, your Father left me to take care of you alone. " This couldn't be possibly true! Father had never stated any woman in his life! In fact, He would never even fathom the thought of being with a human! Unless, this woman wasn't actually human...

"...You're our mother?"

"I once was, Envy. Remember that." She sternly stated as if I offended her and then looks annoyed. " 'Our mother'? Ugh, you really trying my patience today, go now."

"I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE until I get some answers! Okay first of all, are you Mother? Second, why haven't I ever met you in the 175 years that I've lived? Wait, did you only appear to Pride and Lust? Hmm, that might be possible since they are the oldest ones, and then you just didn't both afterwards..." Okay I was kind of rambling but right now I couldn't organize my thoughts !

For the first time, the woman has a stunned expression on her face, maybe even a bit of concern. "My God, you've finally lost it. You are the OLDEST homunculis Envy, what is this nonsense of Pride and Lust being older than you?! You are over three-hundred years old! And yet you pride yourself on having the best memory."

"...You are crazy, Lady. I'm outta here!"And with that, I walk out of the mansion.

Hm, Dublith . Well, I'm off to Central! I need to go Father and have a very lengthy talk about that woman and see if He knows anything...

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Loud screams echoed all through-out the forest. I laugh giddily.

The screams are so loud because of _me_. "Don't run from me, bastards!" I yell out in a sing-son fashion, as I chase them around with my blades. Edward is the one who seems the most scared as I am pretty sure I heard him repeating to himself '_oh my God, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna DIE!_

The foreign guy takes a turn for the left, Alphonse goes for the right and Edward keeps on going straight. I grin as I run after the one who resembled Hohenheim.

"ENVY! STOP TRYING TO KILL ME! I thought I was supposed to be important for you guys!" The pipsqueak manage to rasp out while still running as fast his small legs could take him. "For Dante, maybe. " He slows down slightly, his face turning into an expression of slight confusion. "Dante-?"

"But NOT FOR ME!" I give a high jump that sends me flying over Ed's head and I land right in front of him. He gives a terrified squeak at my sudden appearance. I give him a large toothy grin. "Now do me a favor and DIE!" As I am about to plunge my blade straight into his abdomen, it seems like he finally reacts in time to transmute his automail arm into that blade and the metal-against-metal clang resonated loudly. I dumbass. I still have my other blade! WHAT THE-?!

"No, NO BAD ENVY! Father will be mad if Envy kill him!"

"..._Gluttony_? GET OFF ME, YOU FAT BALL OF LARD!" The idiot had tackled me to the floor, and was seriously pissing me off as Edward was slowly regaining the ability to think better and run off to escape. "And he's not YOUR father, worthless piece of garbage! He's MINE, do you understand me? MINE!" I scream as I struggle under the tremendous weight of Gluttony,

"Envy being vewwy weird." Gluttony whimpered and I growl. "Get...OFF!" I hurl the fat-ass off me and run after the pipsqueak. "EDWARD! YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE SO I CAN DISMEMBER YOU, SHORTY!" I stop and waited for his rant.

_"Who are you calling so short that I drown in a droplet of water?!"_ There you are!

"NO ENVY! LUST LUST, Where is Lust?!" I can still hear Gluttony crying in the background, following me. AHA! I see the yellow blonde braid at my range! Now, he will die- "WHAT THE FUCK!?" I am suddenly detained by..._shadows_.

"**Envy. You will stop with this behavior this instant."** Whoa. Holy shit, where did that come from?

**"You touch a hair on our human's sacrifice and I will personally deliver you to Father and he will make a new, less dense Envy."**

"Whoever the fuck has that weird-ass creepy voice, come out and say it to my face, BASTARD!" I hear Gluttony give a screeching gasp, as if he suddenly saw his worst nightmare come true. But I don't even fucking care about him right now, did that motherfucker just say he'd deliver me to Father and he'd kill me?! I'LL MURDER BOTH OF THEM! Who the fuck do they think they are MESSING with?!

***HISSSSS* "You insolent stupid-! How dare you defy ME, your oldest sibling!"** A small boy suddenly steps out of the dense forest, purple eyes filled with malice, and black hair slighty disheveled. Hey, isn't that Pride's adopted boy? Why the hell is he here? You know, these shadows seem to be coming from him-HOLY SHIT! The boy is controlling the shadows! Fuck, these are the creepiest shadows I've ever seen, they have mouths and large eyes.

Selim snarled at me, and raised his arms, therefore more shadows. **"We are taking you to the Lair. Effective immediately."** That weird, trippy voice came out of his mouth, his eyes cold and calculated. **"Gluttony, let's go."**

"Did Dante create you as well?" I ask the boy, still entangled in the endless shadows he seems to create or control and he looks at me with disgust.

**"Father sure better create another Envy.**"

"STOP CALLING HIM YOUR FATHER! You're not ANYTHING to him!" I burst out screaming at him, trying to rid myself of the shadows, trying to claw myself to him and rip the small boy to pieces. Selim's shadows pushed me straight in front of his eyes, and he looked murderous.

**"I'm not anything to Him?! I'm his FIRSTBORN, insignificant sin. And you, Envy, are as worthless as Gluttony is in all sense of the worlds. I AM PRIDE THE ARROGANT! And I will always be first place in Father's eyes. You are NOTHING!"**

"..._Whaaat?_ You're not Pride! And who the hell are you calling WORTHLESS, little brat!?"

The Selim boy snarled again, and I see the creepy shadows grow behind him menacingly. In a split second, one particularly sharp-looking shadows lunges at me and stabs me deep in the chest. I choke out in the pain and the boy seems to be looking for something in his blind rage but he sighs again and retracts the shadow. The wound on my chest heals and I look at him in shock and anger.

"HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

**"UGH!"**

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woo! I got my second update down! Yeah, I'm boss :3


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